The Digital Family: Finding Balance and Connection in the Tech Age

I let my eldest daughter have a smartphone aged 10.

My youngest daughter turns 10 in a couple of months. I think the floodgate is sadly open.

Both of my girls will be one of, if not the last in their primary classrooms to have a smartphone. This is despite more than 90% of their classmates not walking home from school so the old adage of “it keeps them safe if they need to ring when they are walking home” doesn’t fly. I am massively torn. I don’t want them to be labelled as weird or feel like they’re missing out on what their friends are up to BUT I am not entirely sure that smartphones with all their attention-keeping techniques or the social media apps they mainly use on them are actually worth the risk.

OfCOM research shows that 53% of children have a mobile phone by age 7 and 93% of 12-15 year olds own one.

Us old folks (!) harp back to a time when we used to go out at 8am and not come back until we were hungry, saying things like, “we were fine” or “it never did us any harm”. I am not so sure of that either.

It’s not uncommon to see swathes of people walking down the street not watching where they are going but staring at their screens. Black Mirror dystopia is becoming Main Road reality. We are hooked.

A trailer for Nosedive from Black Mirror Season 3. Watch the whole series on Netflix - but beware: it is too close from comfort at times!

Nir Eyal's Hooked Model offers a framework for understanding how social media companies engineer our habits. It begins with a trigger, whether external (like a notification) or internal (such as boredom) that prompts us to open the app (action). Once there, we anticipate a reward. However, this reward is variable - sometimes we find something genuinely interesting, but other times it requires scrolling. Like a slot machine, this uncertainty fuels our desire.

Companies then encourage us to invest in the platform by liking, sharing, or commenting. This investment strengthens our ties to the product. The cycle repeats, building habits, while the company uses our data to personalise triggers and rewards.

Obviously, this model has a dark side - social media addiction is a serious issue.

• It's estimated that around 210 million people worldwide have some form of internet and social media addiction.
• The average person globally spends about 2 hours and 27 minutes on social media daily. This number can increase substantially for those with addiction tendencies.
• A 2023 study found that nearly half (48%) of UK teens aged 16-18 feel addicted to social media. This feeling is more prevalent among girls (57%) than boys (37%).
• Ofcom reports that nearly half of those surveyed feel their online use negatively impacts sleep, and around a third have missed out on time with friends and family due to excessive social media time.

I am not a prophet of doom by any stretch of the imagination but even these simple stats are alarming.

Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist, has made several arguments regarding the potential harms of smartphones and social media on children. He was interviewed on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast and has released an important book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.

Haidt’s concerns are primarily focused on mental health, social development, and the broader implications for society. His main arguments are:

Mental Health Decline: Haidt points to research suggesting a correlation between the rise of social media and smartphones and the increase in mental health issues among young people, especially teenage girls. This includes higher rates of anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. The constant comparison with others, exposure to idealised lives, and cyberbullying are some factors that contribute to this decline.

Disruption of Social Development: He argues that smartphones and social media disrupt the natural ways in which children and teenagers learn to interact with each other face-to-face. These platforms replace more meaningful, real-life interactions with superficial online engagements, which can hinder the development of social skills and empathy.

Addictive Design and Attention Economy: Haidt highlights how social media platforms are designed to be addictive, capitalising on the human desire for social approval and belonging to keep users engaged for longer periods. This addiction to screens can detract from other important activities, such as physical play, reading, and face-to-face interactions with friends and family.

Exposure to Harmful Content: Children and teenagers, he notes, are exposed to a wide range of harmful content on social media, including misinformation, extremist ideologies, and inappropriate material. This exposure can have a significant impact on their development and worldviews.

Erosion of Privacy: Haidt also raises concerns about the erosion of privacy that comes with widespread social media use. Young users often share vast amounts of personal information online, not fully understanding the potential long-term consequences of this behaviour.

These are all real and present challenges - things which we all as parents, educators, citizens should stop and question. The healthy scepticism I have mentioned previously comes into play here for sure. Haidt blames a confluence of two trends for a social crisis impacting youth.

1. Overprotective Parenting: Haidt criticises "safetyism," where overly anxious parents shield their children from the real world with exaggerated fears. This excessive protection, he argues, hinders children's development and resilience.
2. Unrestricted Tech Access: The second trend is the rapid and widespread adoption of smartphones by children. He argues this unrestricted access to the internet, especially at a young age, is inappropriate and negatively impacts their brain development.

This combination of overprotection and unmonitored technology use has resulted in a social catastrophe.

However, as I have mentioned, I am not fully convinced as I think Haidt jumps from an is to an ought - the classic argument against categorical imperatives proposed by David Hume way back in 1740. Haidt in this book seems to be confusing correlation with causation - increase in social media and smartphone use amongst teens is related to increases in mental health issues but that does not mean that one led to the other necessarily.

That being said, the correlation is strong!  

To mitigate these issues, Haidt proposes some radical regulations.

His 4 proposals are:

1. No smartphone until high school (age 14 in USA so probably Year 9 in the UK)
2. No social media until aged 16
3. No phones in schools
4. Create more independent, free play and responsibility for children

To be fair, most of the social media organisations have age restrictions for usage. It is 13 for X, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Instagram and others. This is clearly stated in their terms of use. However, a 2022 OfCOM report found that more than 80% of 12 year olds have social media accounts. Age verification tools aren’t mandatory (and actually probably not worth their salt anyway according to most technologists).

However, with all this negativity about tech for young people, there are some startling issues that we need to highlight, even if it muddies the waters further!

Firstly, for many young people, the only technology they have is a smartphone. To avoid being left behind with learning, social interaction and entertainment, it seems an equity issue to ban smartphone usage, particularly in schools that have a BYOD (Bring Your Own Device) scheme because not every family can afford a laptop/Chromebook/iPad on top of their mobile device for their child.

Second, harping back to a time pre-mobiles/social media isn’t necessarily the panacea we all think it might be. Just because we didn’t have mobile phones doesn’t necessarily mean that young people today shouldn’t. There were lots of well-intentioned but dangerous things that were allowed in our childhoods that weren’t exactly ideal but didn’t do us much harm! I used to ride my bike with no hands, swim in the local reservoir, camp out in the pine forest, climb on school roofs - all of which were dangerous but I did anyway.

Thirdly, there are some huge benefits to smartphone and social media usage. GPS tracking (as long as it’s done appropriately not willy-nilly on SnapMaps!) is a brilliant thing for parents knowing where their young people are in case of emergencies. Financial responsibility through online banking is something we have massively benefited from with our eldest - she can spend and save without the worry of carrying cash. Communicating with friends and family is super easy - and I know there are issues with being ‘always on’ but there is a way for them to build social networks in preparation for the in-person world. Not only that but for health purposes, mobile phone access can actually help young people manage their medication, seek early interventions and support for their problems and monitor vital information through blood tracking apps like mySugr for diabetes.

I will return to a famous philosophical principle for some kind of conclusion; this time, focusing on Aristotle’s Golden Mean.

It is about acknowledging the nuance. We should aim for a balanced approach that doesn't demonise technology, but instead teaches children how to navigate it healthily. An outright ban might not be feasible, however much Haidt says we can do it through parental collaboration.

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Perhaps, instead, we might consider the following:

1. Delay Smartphone Ownership, Prioritise Connection. Instead of a strict cut-off, delay smartphone ownership as long as possible. Focus on facilitating healthy face-to-face interactions with friends and family. If you decide to give your child a smartphone, consider a basic model with limited features before graduating to a fully-fledged smartphone. We have done this with our youngest; she has access to a smartphone with no SIM card. She can access WiFi at home (with restrictions) and take videos/photos but not post them onto social media accounts. As she gets older, we will transition her to allow for her to appropriately connect with friends and family, all the while knowing that her police officer mother and digital trainer father will have unbridled access to her phone at any time!

2. Have Open, Honest Dialogue. Engage in open conversations about the benefits and the very real dangers of social media and smartphones. Discuss online safety, mental health, and responsible technology use. This approach empowers children to make informed choices rather than feeling restricted. This is something we have done perhaps a little too late with our eldest but we have done it nevertheless. We warn her that unsolicited images, despite now being illegal to send, are a likely thing for her to experience, and thus we can keep the conversation channels open so she can speak to us.

3. Set Digital Boundaries. Establish clear rules for smartphone use, with designated screen-free times for meals, homework, and family time. Use parental controls and apps to limit specific apps or schedule usage times if needed. I also need to model those healthy habits myself more – putting my own phone away during family time! We also ensure that mobile phones are charged outside of the bedroom at night to stop the sleep issue.

4. Encourage Alternative Activities. Actively support hobbies, sports, and creative pursuits to provide engaging alternatives to constant screen time. Emphasise the importance of outdoor play, unstructured fun, and hands-on activities. Our girls are not glued to their phones from morning ‘til night. They are actively engaged in swimming, dancing, drama, trampolining - allsorts.

5. Address Your Own Anxieties.And this one is super tough: examine your fears about your child being "the last one" with a phone. Explore if your anxieties are based on real concerns or societal pressure. Work on fostering confidence and resilience in your children, so they aren’t overly influenced by peer comparisons. It’s not necessarily a bad thing if they are the last - just be upfront with the kids.

Good luck with helping young people navigate this journey - it's not an easy one and we are making loads of learning mistakes as we go...

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