Supercommunicators: Decoding the Art of Not Talking Rubbish

We're drowning in a sea of waffle, aren't we? From corporate jargon to political doublespeak, it seems we've lost the plot when it comes to clear communication. But what if there was a way to cut through the noise? I have recently found what I think might be a good way to cut through the crap: Charles Duhigg's Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Powers of Extremely Effective Conversations. Thanks to Jon & Sarah Hands for putting the book in my hands 😉.

I think we can learn some valuable lessons from it (and I got some great feedback about the last time I did a book review on Stolen Focus by Johann Hari - read that article below if you haven’t already).

Duhigg, known for his work on habit formation (you might have already read his other books, The Power of Habit and Smarter, Faster, Better) has turned his analytical eye to the art of dialogue. And let's be honest, it's about bloody time someone did. Nowadays, we can instantly connect with anyone, anywhere but we seem to be getting worse at actually understanding each other.

As someone who's spent years navigating the murky waters of education and business communication, I was sceptical. Another book promising to turn us all into silver-tongued devils? Pull the other one. But Duhigg's approach is refreshingly grounded in research and real-world examples. In this piece, we'll dissect Duhigg's key ideas, see how they stack up against real-life scenarios, and consider whether we can all learn to communicate a bit less rubbisher. No promises of overnight miracles here - just a hard look at what works, what doesn't, and why most of us are getting it wrong.

Let’s see if Duhigg's 'supercommunicators' are the real deal, or just another batch of snake oil salesmen in shiny packaging by breaking down his key ideas. As usual, I will throw my twopenneth in for each (for what it’s worth - two pence I think…)

1. Determine Which Type of Conversation You Are In

The crux of the whole book is understanding that in order to effectively communicate, we need to discern what type of conversation we are having.

“Our brains have evolved to crave connection. But consistently achieving alignment with other people requires understanding how communication functions - and, most important - recognising that we need to be engaged in the same kind of conversation, at the same time, if we want to connect.”

Even before we talk about what Duhigg says the three types are, it’s worth acknowledging that I have rarely explicitly considered this. I do change tone and language, content and cadence, depending on the person I am communicating with but not necessarily acknowledging that even in a formal setting, for example, knowing what type of conversation I am in, really does matter. That reflective piece before I launch into my ‘style’ is a critical step in communicating effectively - i.e. speaking to be listened to.

Duhigg says the three types of conversations are:

• What’s This Really About?
• How Do We Feel?
• Who Are We?

“The most effective communicators pause before they speak and ask themselves: Why am I opening my mouth? Unless we know what kind of discussion we’re hoping for—and what type of discussion our companions want—we’re at a disadvantage.”

Charles Duhigg

2. Match What Others Are Bringing To The Table

Duhigg emphasises the importance of aligning your communication style with others, a concept he calls 'matching'. It's not about mimicry, but rather about creating a sense of rapport and understanding.

“On a very basic level, if someone seems emotional, allow yourself to become emotional as well. If someone is intent on decision making, match that focus. If they are preoccupied by social implications, reflect their fixation back to them.”

This idea resonates with my experiences in pretty much every area of my life. I've noticed how my communication style naturally shifts when I'm speaking with students, parents, or colleagues but this is possibly most prominent when I am doing my coaching work. If I have ideas of what I want to achieve from the session (I know - it’s not my session) then I often project them onto others. I am moving more into the “What do you want to achieve from this session?” style starts so we are on the same page!

However, it's crucial to note that matching isn't about being disingenuous. It's about finding common ground and creating an environment where effective communication can flourish. As Duhigg points out, it's a skill that requires practice and self-awareness.

“Miscommunication occurs when people are having different kinds of conversations. If you are speaking emotionally, while I’m talking practically, we are, in essence, using different cognitive languages. (This explains why, when you complain about your boss—“Jim is driving me crazy!”—and your spouse responds with a practical suggestion—“What if you just invited him to lunch?”—it’s more apt to create conflict than connection: “I’m not asking you to solve this! I just want some empathy.”)”

Charles Duhigg

AI Generated Image: Midjourney Prompt: a table discussion between 10 people from all walks of life in the style of andy warhol ar16:9

3. Negotiate In The ‘What’s This Really About’ Conversations

The book also posits that every interaction is, at its core, a negotiation. This isn't about 'winning' or 'losing', but rather about uncovering the true motivations and concerns driving the conversation.

"In a negotiation, your goal isn't to defeat the other person. It's to figure out what's really going on and find a solution that works for everyone."

This perspective has profoundly altered my approach to difficult conversations. Recently, I faced a clash with a colleague over the direction we were going in - it wasn’t catastrophic but the tension was palpable! Initially, I viewed it as a debate to be won. However, applying Duhigg's principles, I shifted gears. Instead of arguing my point, I started asking probing questions. "What concerns you most about these changes?" "How do you think this will impact our work?" Through this approach, I discovered the resistance stemmed from fears about increased workload and potential negative impacts on client relationships. It’s always good to get perspective (check out Andrew Bustamante’s episode of The Diary of a CEO for more on that)

Once we identified these underlying issues, the conversation transformed. We moved from adversaries to collaborators, working together to address these legitimate concerns while still implementing necessary changes. This negotiation mindset has proven invaluable in various contexts - from mediating student conflicts to navigating budget discussions with governors to determining colour schemes on websites. It's not always easy, and it often takes longer than simply pushing through my agenda. However, the results - better solutions and stronger relationships - are undoubtedly worth the effort.

Duhigg's insights have reinforced for me that effective negotiation isn't about clever tactics or forceful arguments. It's about genuine curiosity and a willingness to dig deeper into what's really driving the conversation.

4. Listen In The ‘How Do We Feel’ Conversations

It’s obvious but not always obvious that listening is critical in emotionally charged conversations. It's not just about hearing words, but about creating a space where people feel genuinely understood.

"When we listen well, we're doing more than gathering information. We're helping the other person process their emotions and experiences."

This concept hit home during a challenging situation with a Year 12 student a few years ago when I was Head of Sixth Form. His behaviour had become increasingly disruptive, and traditional disciplinary approaches weren't working. Instead of lecturing him (as many before me had, and indeed was my MO with him up until this point), I decided to truly listen.

In a one-on-one conversation, I asked open-ended questions and gave him space to express himself. It emerged that he was grappling with severe anxiety about his upcoming exams and family pressures. He talked about the challenges of being the ‘man of the house’ as the eldest son in his single-parent home. He talked about his mum’s bi-polar disorder and the fact that football was his only release (by the way, everyone, including me, had weaponised being on the school team up until this point). By listening without judgement, I not only gained crucial insights but also helped him articulate and process his feelings.

This approach led to a marked improvement in his behaviour and engagement. Moreover, it strengthened our relationship, making him more receptive to support and guidance. I also never banned him from playing football for school again. I didn’t condone his behaviour but realised that wasn’t the method that would lead to anything worthwhile for him.

Implementing this listening-centric approach hasn't been without challenges. It's tempting to jump to solutions or dismissals. However, I’m finding that investing time in truly listening often saves time and headaches in the long run. Supercommunicator insights have reinforced for me that effective listening is an active, empathetic process. It's about creating a safe space for emotions to be expressed and understood, laying the groundwork for more productive conversations and outcomes.

Check out this wonderful sketchnote about Duhigg's book from Tanmay Vora at QAspire Consulting

5. Look Out For Emotional Cues

Duhigg's emphasis on recognising non-verbal emotional signals in communication aligns closely with Paul Ekman's work on micro-expressions. These fleeting facial expressions, often lasting less than a second, can reveal true emotions even when someone is trying to conceal them. As Ekman states, "Emotions are a process, a particular kind of automatic appraisal influenced by our evolutionary and personal past, in which we sense that something important to our welfare is occurring, and a set of physiological changes and emotional behaviours begins to deal with the situation."

This concept has proven invaluable in my consulting work. During a recent strategy session with a client's leadership team, I noticed the CFO's brief expression of concern when discussing projected growth figures, despite his verbal enthusiasm. Picking up on this ‘micro-expression’, I tactfully (in my opinion anyway!) probed further, leading to a crucial discussion about potential financial risks that hadn't been fully addressed. By acknowledging the unspoken emotion, we were able to develop a more robust and realistic strategy.

These subtle signals can be easily overlooked when focusing on data and deliverables. Also, misinterpreting cues can lead to awkward situations or misunderstandings. But the benefits far outweigh the risks. By paying attention to emotional cues, we can uncover hidden concerns in negotiations, foster more honest discussions in team meetings, and build stronger relationships with clients, students, stakeholders - whoever you need to develop rapport with. It is a multi-win strategy.

Duhigg's insights, coupled with Ekman's research, have reinforced for me that effective communication goes beyond words. It requires a holistic approach, considering not just what is said, but the subtle emotional undercurrents that often drive decision-making and behaviour. This skill is becoming a key tool in my toolkit, enabling me to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics and deliver more impactful results for my clients.

6. Embrace Conflict In Order to Build Connection

Most of us would rather eat a bowl of cold sick than willingly step into a conflict. But Duhigg reckons we're missing a trick. Turns out, a bit of argy-bargy, when done right, can actually bring people closer and lead to some cracking ideas. When was the last time a really good idea came from everyone nodding along like bobbleheads? Probably never. It's when ideas clash that the magic happens. It's like rubbing two sticks together - you need that friction to get a spark.

Now, we're not talking about full-on, chairs-flying arguments. It's more about creating a space where people feel they can speak their minds without walking on eggshells. Where "That's rubbish" isn't an insult, but an invitation to explain yourself better. I saw a brilliant Carousel on Instagram the other day that talked about the corporate nonsense we churn out. All of it was class but one that really stuck out to me was the piece about “There’s no such thing as a bad idea.” That is absolutely BS. There are lots of really, really bad ideas.

Pulling off a culture that speaks the truth but in a kind way may be about as easy as herding cats but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t push for it. We've got to set some ground rules, like attacking ideas, not people. And we need to be ready to step in if things get too heated. But get it right, and we'll see teams coming up with solutions that knock everyone's socks off (even Steve Hope’s…).

AI Generated Image: Midjourney Prompt: walking on eggshells ar16:9

It’s that Care Personally, Challenge Directly piece that I have mentioned before from Radical Candor.

The real kicker though is that this approach can turn a group of polite strangers into a tight-knit team faster than you can say "constructive disagreement". There's something about weathering a storm together that builds trust like nothing else. Those who fight together develop bonds. There is a lot of research in this area, particularly from the field of social psychology and organisational behaviour.

One relevant study is by Jehn and Mannix (2001) published in the Academy of Management Journal. They found that teams that engaged in moderate levels of task conflict (disagreements about ideas and opinions) during the midpoint of their interactions were more likely to perform well. In terms of bonding, a concept called 'shared adversity' has been studied in various contexts. Whitehouse et al. (2017) in Psychological Science examined how shared painful experiences increased prosocial behaviour and group bonding.

In the military, Wong et al. (2003) found that combat experiences strengthened soldier bonding, supporting the idea that facing challenges together builds strong connections. We have seen so many examples of this and I know Jocko Willink’s Extreme Ownership echoes this kind of camaraderie.

However, it's important to note that these findings come with caveats. The type of conflict, how it's managed, and the context all play crucial roles in determining whether conflict leads to positive or negative outcomes. So while there's evidence to support the idea that overcoming challenges together can build trust and bonds, it's not a universal or simple relationship. It depends on how the 'storm' is weathered and the nature of the conflict itself.

So next time you're in a meeting and feel that urge to keep the peace at all costs, maybe think twice. A little controversy might be just what the doctor ordered. After all, as some wise soul once said, "If two people always agree, one of them is unnecessary."

7. Empathise In The ‘Who Are We’ Conversations

Right, let's talk about the elephant in the room - identity. Duhigg reckons that in some chats, it's not just about what we're saying, but who we are that's doing the talking. It's like we're all walking around with invisible name tags that say "Parent", "Boss", "Northerner", "Vegan", or whatever else makes us tick. (Some of these name tags aren’t invisible - we wear them with pride!)

Now, this isn't just about slapping labels on people (labels are for jars not for people, remember). It's about cottoning on to how these identities shape the way we see the world and, more importantly, how we jabber on about it. It's empathy on steroids, really.

We have all likely been in one of these meetings: Dave (or Sandra) from accounting is banging on about budget cuts. Easy to write them off as penny-pinching bores, right? But what if you knew Dave grew up skint, and these cuts remind him of his mum choosing between heating and eating? Suddenly, Dave's not just a numbers guy - he's a human with a story. Or if you know that Sandra has been part of a company that went bust, leaving loads of people out of jobs, because some people in a boardroom made rash decisions and no one said anything. We see Sandra differently when we know her story.

Getting your head around this "Who Are We?" malarkey isn't a walk in the park. It means parking your own baggage at the door and really trying to see the world through someone else's eyes. It's about asking "Why does this matter so much to them?" instead of "Why are they being such a plonker?" It’s tough though. We can’t walk in other people’s shoes because we can’t really know what it’s like to be that person and also, we don’t put those shoes on with a ‘blank canvas’ - we are clouded by our own judgements and experiences. Thanks, again, Ed Kirwan for the conversations we have started around this.

The real magic happens when you start seeing these identity cues everywhere. That parents' evening? It's not just about little Timmy's grades - it's about hopes, fears, and what it means to be a "good parent". That debate about the office dress code? It's tangled up in ideas about professionalism, self-expression, and probably a dash of generational warfare. (I am still not wearing a suit unless I absolutely have to though!)

Perhaps next time you're in a conversation that's going nowhere fast, take a step back. Ask yourself, "What identities are at play here?" You might just find the key to unlocking the whole mess. We're all just trying to make sense of this crazy world, one identity at a time. And if you can tap into that, well, you're not just communicating - you're connecting. And isn't that the whole point of this conversation lark anyway?

AI Generated Image: Midjourney Prompt: creating a space where people feel they can speak their minds and find themselves in the style of jackson pollock ar16:9

8. Make The Tough Call

So, you've mastered all these fancy communication tricks. You're matching styles, negotiating like a pro, listening till your ears fall off, and empathising till it hurts. But there's a kicker - sometimes, you've got to know when to chuck it all out and make the tough call. Duhigg's not saying become a dictator. It's more about recognising when all the palaver in the world isn't going to cut it. It's that moment when you realise you're flogging a dead horse, and it's time to put on your big boy pants and make a decision.

Think of it like this: You're the captain of a ship, and you've spent hours debating with the crew about which way to sail. But there's a stonking great iceberg ahead, and someone's got to grab the wheel and turn, pronto. Spoiler alert: the captain didn’t do this in Titanic.

This isn't an excuse to go all trigger-happy with your decisions. It's about having the nous to know when more talk is just hot air, and when it's time for action. It's a balancing act - you want to hear everyone out, but you also don't want to be stuck in meeting-hell while Rome burns. I wonder if the trick is to build up a sort of spidey-sense for these moments. It's about reading the room, feeling the energy shift, and knowing in your waters when it's time to stop yapping and start doing. And yeah, sometimes you'll get it wrong. But that's the price of admission for being the one who's willing to stick their neck out. Gut decisions are actually probably a good place to start.

If you're in a meeting that's going round in circles like a dog chasing its tail, ask yourself: "Is this getting us anywhere? Or is it time to make the call?" Because at the end of the day, the best communicators know that sometimes, the most powerful message is a decision.

In the end, Supercommunicators isn't offering a magic formula for perfect communication. It's giving us a framework to think more critically about how we interact. Whether it's recognising the type of conversation we're in, picking up on unspoken cues, or knowing when to embrace conflict, these ideas challenge us to be more thoughtful in our exchanges.

Will applying these concepts solve all our communication woes? Hardly. But they might just help us cut through some of the noise and have more meaningful dialogues. The news is showing us now, perhaps more than ever, that misunderstanding seems to be the norm - and misunderstanding breeds contempt. As André Gide once said, "The most important things to say are those which often I did not think necessary for me to say — because they were too obvious." In a world where what's 'obvious' to one person is opaque to another, Duhigg's insights remind us that effective communication isn't about assumption, but about clarity, empathy, and sometimes, the courage to make tough calls. It's not a cure-all, but in these divisive times, it's a step in the right direction.

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