Feedback that Feeds

Feedback. It's a word that can make even the most seasoned professionals break into a cold sweat. Whether we're on the giving or receiving end, dealing with the murky waters of constructive (or not so constructive) criticism and heartfelt praise can feel like a high-wire act without a safety net. But as uncomfortable as it may be, feedback is fuel.

I recently had the privilege of attending Steven Bartlett’s Business and Life tour. I have mentioned it before. He said, “Failure is feedback, feedback is knowledge and knowledge is power.” This is not new for him though. In a LinkedIn post referencing his interview with Ed Sheeran, he said:

Failure is the path to success

In his business, Bartlett has employed a Head of Failure. It’s a literal job title.

In his brilliant book, The Diary Of A CEO: The 33 Laws for Business and Life, Law 21 is: “You must out-fail your competition!”

I want to explore feedback. I've been thinking a lot about it lately, and not just because I'm a glutton for punishment. As someone who straddles the worlds of business and education, I've seen firsthand how the right feedback at the right time can be transformative. But I've also seen how the wrong feedback, delivered poorly, can crush spirits and stifle potential. I also know what it’s like to ‘fail’ and not use it as feedback, knowledge and power.

So, what makes the difference between feedback that falls flat and feedback that sparks growth? I've been very intentional over the last few years about diving into the works of some of the most insightful minds in the field, from Kim Scott's Radical Candor to Adam Grant's Hidden Potential and I've come to a few conclusions.

First and foremost, giving good feedback requires a hefty dose of emotional intelligence. It's not just about what you say, but how you say it. It’s that Bananarama thing all over again from another newsletter edition…and I can’t count how many times I have been told the same thing. How is as important as what. And then why underpins it all.

If you give feedback to help someone improve or to protect them from harm, that’s a why that is valid. If you give feedback to get oneupmanship or to make someone feel small, then maybe not. So we start with why (sorry), then move to how before we even consider what.

Kim Scott's concept of Radical Candor is all about finding that sweet spot between caring personally and challenging directly. It's about having the courage to speak the truth, but doing so with empathy and respect. (Daren White and I are planning something a little more on this one so I won’t go too deep on it but this is a must-read if you ever give feedback.)

I think about a former colleague of mine, let's call her Sarah. Sarah was brilliant, but she had a habit of delivering feedback like a sledgehammer. She would barge into people's offices, point out every flaw in their work, and then walk out without offering any constructive solutions. Needless to say, her feedback wasn't exactly well-received.

But then I gave Sarah a copy of this book and something clicked. She started taking the time to build relationships with the team, to understand their perspectives and challenges. And when she gave feedback, she did so with more care and compassion. She would say things like, "I know you've been working really hard on this project, and I appreciate your dedication. I have some thoughts on how we could make it even stronger. Can we talk through them together?" The difference was night and day. Instead of feeling attacked, her team felt supported and motivated to improve. She didn’t get it spot on every time but it was definitely different.

Brené Brown reminds us in Dare to Lead that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation and growth. There needs to be an examination of our own motives in giving feedback. She gives us a checklist:

Dare to Lead Resources

It goes like this...

I know that I’m ready to give feedback when…

• I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you.
• I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you).
• I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue.
• I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes.
• I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges.
• I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming.
• I am open to owning my part.
• I can genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than criticize them for their failings.
• I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth and opportunity.
• I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you.
• I am aware of power dynamics, implicit bias, and stereotypes.

‍

Of course, giving feedback is only half the equation. Being able to receive feedback with grace and openness is just as important. It's easy to get defensive when someone points out our weaknesses or challenges our ideas. But when we're willing to let down our guard and listen to feedback with an open mind, we create space for real transformation.

I vividly recall a transformative moment in my early teaching days when my then Deputy Head, Andy O’Brien, provided feedback that reshaped my entire approach to classroom management. He came to observe my lesson as was the way and instead of the glowing review I anticipated, he offered a thoughtful critique, highlighting how I missed learning moments. He mentioned how Jonny W has asked a question that would’ve allowed us to delve into some interesting rabbit holes but I worried about being observed and following my lesson plan! I told Jonny that that we might get chance to talk about that at another time but not today.

Initially, I was defensive when Andy brought this up, believing that the output and pieces of work produced were proof of my success. However, as I listened to his specific examples and suggestions, I recognised the truth in his words. He worked with me to develop a plan for improvement, sharing resources and strategies, and offering ongoing support. He talked to me about managing a classroom and pushing beyond in a culture of appropriate risk-taking. He backed it up when I watched him teach too.

This humbling experience was also incredibly empowering. By embracing Andy's feedback and implementing changes, I created a more positive and productive learning environment for my students. I discovered that feedback is not something to fear but an essential tool for growth and improvement.

That experience taught me the value of seeking out and embracing constructive feedback, even when it's uncomfortable. It also highlighted the importance of delivering feedback with empathy, specificity, and a genuine desire to support growth. As someone who gets to do this a lot now, I strive to foster a culture of feedback rooted in trust, vulnerability, and continuous improvement, knowing that by modelling openness to feedback and providing it constructively, I can help people reach their full potential and make a real difference.

But feedback isn't just about pointing out areas for improvement. It's also about recognising and nurturing the unique strengths and talents of those around us. In Hidden Potential, Adam Grant argues that we often overlook the untapped potential in our colleagues, students, and even ourselves. By providing feedback that highlights these hidden strengths, we can help others thrive and reach their full potential. In fact, he goes further:

Instead of seeking feedback, you're better off asking for advice. Feedback tends to focus on how well you did last time. Advice shifts attention to how you can do better next time.

So perhaps, the title of this article should be ‘Advice that Adds’!

I saw this idea of highlighting hidden strengths all the time in the classroom. There are always those students who fly under the radar, the ones who don't raise their hands or speak up in class. But when you take the time to really observe and engage with them, you often discover hidden talents and passions that have gone unnoticed. Maybe it's a quiet student who has a gift for poetry, or a struggling student who comes alive when given the chance to lead a project. By providing targeted feedback and opportunities, we can help these students discover and develop their unique abilities. And it’s not only in classrooms.

Creating a culture of feedback isn't just about individual interactions. It's about building an environment where people feel safe and supported to give and receive feedback on a regular basis. As Daniel Coyle explores in The Culture Code, the most successful teams and organisations are those that prioritise psychological safety and trust. When people feel like they can speak up without fear of retribution or judgement, they're more likely to take risks, innovate, and grow.

I've seen this play out in my own work with educational leadership teams. In schools where feedback is seen as a threat or a punishment, teachers become defensive and resistant to change. But in schools where feedback is framed as an opportunity for growth and collaboration, teachers become more open and engaged. They start seeking out feedback from their colleagues, sharing ideas and strategies, and working together to create a better learning environment for their students.

Of course, not all feedback is created equal. We've all been on the receiving end of feedback that feels more like a personal attack than a constructive critique. As Chris Hirst puts it in No Bullshit Leadership, feedback should be specific, actionable, and delivered with the right intent. It's not about tearing someone down or proving how smart you are. It's about providing insights and suggestions that can actually be implemented to drive real change.

When I'm giving feedback, I try to focus on specific behaviours or outcomes, rather than vague generalities. Instead of saying, "Your presentation was boring," I might say, "I noticed that some people were checking their phones during your presentation. What do you think you could do to make it more engaging?" By providing concrete examples and asking questions, I'm inviting the other person to reflect on their own performance and come up with solutions, rather than just telling them what to do.

Ultimately, the art of giving and receiving authentic feedback is a muscle that needs to be exercised regularly. It's not something that comes naturally to most of us, and it requires a willingness to step outside our comfort zones and embrace vulnerability. But when we create a culture of feedback, where insights are shared openly and received with grace, we unlock the full potential of ourselves and those around us.

Here are five key things to keep in mind:

1. Check your ego at the door.

When you're on the receiving end of feedback, it's easy to get defensive. Trust me, I've been there and pretty much live there unless I make a conscious effort to move out! But if you want to grow, you've got to be willing to listen with an open mind, even when it stings. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that feedback is a gift, and try to see things from the other person's perspective.

2. Be specific and actionable.

If you're the one giving feedback, make sure it's something the other person can actually use. Instead of vague generalities give specific examples and suggestions. Something like, "I noticed you missed a few key deadlines last month. Let's brainstorm some strategies to help you stay on top of your projects." The more concrete and actionable your feedback is, the more likely it is to stick.

3. Make it a two-way street.

Feedback isn't just about what you can give to others - it's also about what you can learn from them. Make a habit of asking for feedback regularly, both from your colleagues and your loved ones. And when you get it, really listen. You might be surprised at the insights and ideas that come your way.

4. Create a culture of care.

If you want feedback to be truly transformative, it can't just be a one-off thing. You've got to create a culture where feedback is seen as a normal, healthy part of growth and development. That means modelling openness and vulnerability yourself, and creating safe spaces where people feel comfortable being honest with each other. It's not always easy, but it's so worth it - and it needs to be all across the pyramid, matrix or org chart you use!

5. Remember the why.

At the end of the day, feedback is about caring. It's about investing in each other's growth and believing in each other's potential. When you approach feedback with that mindset - whether you're giving or receiving it - it changes everything. It's not about pointing fingers or proving who's right. It's about lifting each other up and bringing out the best in one another.

When you find yourself on the giving or receiving end of feedback, take a deep breath and remember that it's an opportunity for growth. Approach it with empathy, vulnerability, and a genuine desire to learn and improve.

Look, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Feedback can be tough. It's not always fun to hear where we're falling short or what we could be doing better. There have been plenty of times in my own life where I've wanted to stick my head in the sand and pretend everything's just peachy. But if I'm being truly honest with myself, I know that growth doesn't happen in the comfort zone. If I want to keep evolving and discovering new strengths, I need to be open to feedback, even when it stings.

So, I'm making a promise to myself. I'm going to actively seek out feedback, both in my work and my personal life. I'm going to try to listen with an open mind, even when my ego wants to get defensive. And when it's my turn to give feedback, I'm going to do my best to deliver it with care and respect. I'm not just doing this for myself. I want to help create a culture where feedback is seen as a gift, not a gotcha. I want to be part of building an environment where we can be honest with each other, where we're all working to bring out the best in one another. Because when you strip away all the corporate jargon and self-help speak, feedback (or advice) is really just about caring. It's about investing in each other's growth and believing in each other's potential. And in a world that can feel pretty disconnected at times, that kind of care is worth its weight in gold.

‍